I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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