I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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