I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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