Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
