"it" just moved
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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