chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
