ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
