she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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