who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
