just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize