maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
