Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The uberlube is also flammable
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
