1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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