while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
