Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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