fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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