I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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