I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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