call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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