I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
