I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
