Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
