your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
