and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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