the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
