i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
