She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
