6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
