Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
