If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
