420 ftw
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
