The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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