the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I want a musical about memes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
