so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We got so high we made milksteak
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
