i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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