I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Randomize
