Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
