If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I puked a lego.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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