I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
