$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
