She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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