I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
