Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
