I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
