After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my shit smells like andre
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize