Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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