Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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