Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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