1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
barbara walters just said penis...
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
