i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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