so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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