I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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