Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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