Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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