apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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