Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
