so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
