I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
are you so shy because you have an std?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize