Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
birth control should be required to get into college
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show youâ€
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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