watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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