I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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