I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
