Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
