yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
