hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
