Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
it's like iHOP with fire
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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