I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i will never coherently bang her
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize