If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
